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I’ve been thinking and praying for a long time when…or IF…I would EVER speak about this. And I’ve gotta be honest with you…I’m a little scared. I’m scared because I don’t want to hurt people.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it needs to be said. With grace and forgiveness in mind of course, but also firmly and unwaveringly. The truth needs to be told if we hope to bring restoration to broken people and broken places. And our God is a God of truth.
I want to tell the truth about something today: Spiritual Abuse.
One thing you should know about me is that more than anything else, I believe in telling the truth. Honesty and integrity are important to me. I’m a truth teller. God just kinda wired me that way.
Sadly, spiritual abuse has become part of my story at various points in my life, and I want to talk about it. Maybe it’s part of yours, too.
I want to share the truth not to play a victim, or to destroy any church or any person. I’m speaking out to make others aware that spiritual abuse is a real thing. I’m sharing my story to validate the pain of so many out there who have been hurt by abusive church leaders and toxic systems.
Spiritual abuse is a huge problem in the Church today and it happens more often than you think, though it is often hidden behind the scenes. It is not something widely discussed, though more and more people are speaking out about their experiences with toxic leadership in their churches.
It occurs across all denominational lines and in congregations big and small. Some of the hallmarks of spiritually abusive leaders and toxic systems are: power-positioning, using people, manipulative tactics, financial secrecy, and fear or shame based culture, especially among church staff. These things are not easy to see at first. These types of churches are often led by a likeable, charismatic figure with no real accountability structure in place, but rather they like to surround themselves with people who always say “Yes”.
Rather than a gentle, servant-hearted shepherd of lost and hurting people, some pastors have become like power-hungry CEOs, driving their staff and volunteers to achieve what they take to be spiritual goals. Numbers are what matter most. And unfortunately, some churches are looking more and more like businesses today. Many good and faithful Christians have left churches disillusioned and burned-out.
For me personally, being a part of a toxic faith system took a huge toll on my marriage, children, and my mental and emotional health. The most challenging thing I faced was the damage to my faith and spiritual walk. These events caused me to doubt the goodness of God, His love for me, and my value in His eyes.
I’ve lost trust in church leadership because of things I saw behind the scenes. When I attempted to bring concerns to the pastors, I was met with unexpected responses and it definitely seemed like they didn’t like being questioned.
Throughout my church life experience, I lived in constant fear of disappointing God and my spiritual leaders, and I felt I was never going to be good enough. I worked harder and harder to “do things for God” despite being exhausted and depressed. I continued to work and strive until I had nothing left to give. Before long I was burned out. Once I could no longer serve the ministry, I felt I was discarded pretty quickly. This left me feeling completely worthless as a person.
I’ve worked with counselors and chaplains to see the full picture of my own sins and faults and take ownership where I needed to.
I had to take responsibility for my people-pleasing behaviors and my inability to set boundaries and say “no”. I had to do some heart work after I realized some pain from my past might lead me to strive for God’s (and man’s ) love and acceptance. I also realized I have always put pastors on a pedestal, which isn’t a healthy or a fair thing to do.
So, I had some work to do too. I’m not perfect.
But that doesn’t make the spiritual abuse any less real or any less valid. It’s wrong, under any circumstances. And it doesn’t belong in the Body of Christ.
It is wrong for pastors to use and abuse people for their own personal gain. People are not tools to be used for someone to accomplish their spiritual/business goals.
It is wrong for pastors and church leaders to expect people to give so much of themselves, while giving them little care in return.
It is wrong for pastors to become angry and defensive or punitive when a church member raises legitimate questions or concerns with them.
It is wrong for pastors to ignore or shun people because they disagree or are angry with them.
It is wrong for pastors to publicly shame and humiliate one of their sheep by using them in a sermon illustration.
It is wrong for pastors to use the Bible to control, shame, or belittle people.
It is wrong for pastors to hold over a person’s head all the things they’ve done for them in an effort to control them or make them feel guilty.
It is wrong for pastors or church leaders to use guilt and fear messages to try and prevent a hurting person from sharing their story or seeking help and healing.
If you have been through anything like this, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you’ve experienced.
Spiritual abuse is wrong, and it doesn’t look like Jesus.
It took me a long time to accept that what I went through was spiritual abuse. I thought abuse was too strong a word. But it’s not. It’s wrong and it harms God’s people. It deeply wounds and damages them. It is hurting the Church.
People’s need for love and acceptance, our natural desire for achievement and success, and Christian celebrity culture seem to be the driving forces behind this problem in churches today. How wonderful it would be if we could all come together to humbly admit our shortcomings and work to restore the church and heal what is broken. To heal the PEOPLE who are broken.
The church has some serious work to do. The faithful are leaving the church in droves and many are never coming back. Some are even leaving Christianity altogether. It may be easy for some to write these folks off as being “bitter” and tell them to just let their hurts go or use the excuse that “no church or pastor is perfect.” But it’s not that simple. The pain and damage from spiritual abuse and toxic faith systems runs deep.
My healing is still very much a work in progress. What has helped me the most is focusing on the Person of Jesus, searching the scriptures to find out who He is and how He loved and cared for people.
I think about Jesus, and how He called out the Pharisees for their harsh leadership, uncaring ways, and heavy burdens they placed on people.
Jesus promises us rest and peace are found in Him. He tells us HE is the truth, and He asks us to follow Him. He also says His burden is light.
My aim for this blog is to reach those who are hurting from following the wrong shepherds. We must follow Jesus alone. He is safe, he is good, he is our True Shepherd.